Murderous Moods.

This week has just been one of those weeks, you know the kind, where you just want to murder everyone. Well, maybe not murder but definitely maim. Yesterday was especially bad. Remember when I got super mad at Lowe's? Against my better judgement we bought our refrigerator there anyway. They had the one we wanted and Home Depot didn't, that's the only reason why. I really wanted that specific fridge. They were supposed to deliver it yesterday but "forgot" to put it on the truck. Are you kidding me? We waited on replacing the stairway yesterday because we were expecting them and they didn't show up. They didn't even bother to call. I had to call and then the lady promised to call me back by the end of the day and let me know when they'd be able to deliver it. She never did. It's my own fault for buying something there. It won't happen ever again. I gave them a terrible review on Yelp. It's not like it matters but it made me feel slightly better.

Last week one of my World of Warcraft accounts got hacked and I still haven't been able to get it back. It's been 9 days, and many, many irritated emails to Blizzard. It always takes them almost the full 48 hours to respond. It's really frustrating because their responses are never helpful. To avoid bashing my head into the wall I've been emailing all of the responses to one of my friends so we can make fun of them together. Nine days of repeating myself was old about 5 days ago.

My registration expires this month and it's an Idaho registration so I went to the DMV today to see what I need to do to get an Oregon registration. Usually it would be simple but in the move I misplaced the title to my car and haven't been able to find it. I asked the Oregon DMV worker how I should go about replacing my title and she told me I'd have to go back to Idaho to get one. Thanks for that answer, it was super helpful, you are a genius. I mean really, I'm so glad there are people like you to help solve problems. Geez. I called Idaho's DMV, I just have to fax some paperwork and pay $14.

After all of this I was in a terrible mood so I decided to go thrifting. I grabbed an iced chai and off I went. I found some pretty awesome stuff and I'll share that next week. Thrifting can definitely lighten my mood. When I got home I didn't even want to punch people in the throat anymore. Instead, I broke in my pressure canner. More on that next week too!

Fucked Up Thing About Utah #5.

One city in Utah has recently announced their English initiative. Yeah, seriously. 45% of the town is made up of minorities so they're starting this English initiative for everyone to learn and speak English as quickly as possible to bring the community together and make everything more cohesive. Yeah, bullshit. I see you tea party and you're not anywhere near as intelligent as you think you are. They are also encouraging all businesses to use signs and menus in English. I understand that it's easier to communicate when we all understand each other but something about this feels off, just like almost everything in this backwards state does.

Fuck You, Susan G. Komen Foundation.

What is wrong with these people? The Huffington Post recently reported on how the Susan G. Komen Foundation spends about a million dollars a year suing smaller mom and pop charities for using the term "for a cure". What the hell? Who gives a shit if they're Kites for a Cure or Mush for a Cure, how about, you're all trying to raise money to make the world a better place so leave them the fuck alone and let them raise money to find a fucking cure for what is ailing the people of the world. I've refrained from donating to Komen in the past because I had heard of other shady goings on with that company. Instead, I donate to the American Cancer Society (mainly because my sister used to work there and sends out emails occasionally making it so I only have to put in minimal effort to donate) or I donate to various MS foundations. I could understand if it was McDonald's or some other for profit corporation trying to maintain their income but you're a freaking charity, be charitable.

PtheD Part II.

So Jake finally kicked out the roommate. Thank fucking God. I was so sick of his antics. Since his last lady friend stole all of Jake's mom's pills, PtheD was not allowed to have anyone over. He didn't adhere to the rule for very long though. He had someone pick him up for work (since he has no car or license) and they came in the house. The rule was, they have to wait outside. Not only did he let the guy come in, they were also loud and woke me up. Not Cool. Then, yesterday, he came over with no warning, with his two brothers. When Jake confronted him about it he freaked out saying, "They're my brothers, man, what the fuck?" and started yelling and being a dick. I don't really give a shit who they are, nobody is allowed in the house. Plus, all he's done for the last couple of years is bitch about his family, he didn't even talk to his brothers until Christmas and now they're, "all he's got." He's complained about how they're awful people and his little brother has been in prison for the last two years. Yeah, just the type of people we want in our house.

So today we're going to Lowe's and buying new locks for all the doors. We've already cut and put dowels in all of the windows. Actually, we had PtheD do it awhile ago. haha, genius. He is refusing to give back his house key until he gets all his stuff. He came by today, stomped in, freaked out on Jake some more and said he was keeping his key, "as an insurance policy to make sure you don't keep my shit." How about you just take your crap and then you won't have to worry about it anymore. I think I might go bag it up and throw it out in the yard myself. He doesn't have anything of value, he's just drawing this out to be a douchebag. Fuck if I'm going to let that happen. Maybe I'll just throw the shit out in the yard without bagging it up, everything is covered in snow right now, that'll be perfect.

Piece of Shit Human Beings.

So we have this roommate. He's one of Jake's friends, he lives here for free, and he's a giant loser douchebag. I feel like being petty and making my facebook status be something like, "how about you don't wake me up at 8 am asshole. Nobody gives a shit about your laundry. Shut the fuck up!" but I won't because I know it would frustrate my boyfriend.

So, let me give you some background on this guy, we'll call him Pancho the piece of shit douchebag or PtheD for short. So PtheD had no job, was running around with some druggies stealing radios out of cars to pay for pills and what not. Jake says he can live here for free as long as he knocks that shit off and finds a job. So he stops stealing radios, helps out around the house, and takes a year to find a job. Not too great, not too bad. But PtheD has two little girls he's not really helping out with. He takes them for the day every now and then but it's really not anything worth writing home about and he doesn't support them financially at all. Jake's been feeding him, clothing him, and keeping a roof over his head for over a year.

So he finally got a job in May or June. It took him a year, and instead of being a model employee, he gets customer complaints about him and he shows up late all of the time because of this skanky girl he met. She comes over, is rude to Jake, lets her bratty children break things and then expects everyone to cater to her. Not happening. So PtheD is one time being late away from being fired from the job he barely just got. He finally ditches the pinhead skank face but his paychecks are now being garnished for child support and oh, did I mention his fines. He has fines in several local cities that he hasn't been paying on.

So, Jake makes him pay his fines if he wants to keep living here. He gets all butthurt, stops helping out around the house, and is, in general, a total loser douchebag, just like I could've told everyone he is. So now he finds this new girlfriend who everyone thinks is super nice. I think she's just another chick who can't keep her legs closed and lo and behold, she ends up stealing a bottle and a half of pain pills from Jake's mom. Personally, I think PtheD had something to do with it. He, of course, denies it.

Anyway, I'm about ready to throw a fucking meat cleaver at his head. How about, go to work on time, stop eating my fucking food, take some responsibility for your actions, and shut the fuck up when we're trying to sleep.

Fucked Up Thing About Utah #4.

Okay Mormons, enough with the no caffeine thing. Worst rule ever. This state has very few coffee places, I think I've seen maybe one drive thru coffee stand. Coming from Oregon where there is one every 5 or so blocks, this is killing me. I am a huge iced chai fan. I would go to Dutch Bros. or the Human Bean several times a week, get my chai, and be on my way. I'm not a huge fan of Starbucks (because their chai tastes like asshole) but they do have a couple here so I caved and got a chai because my craving was so bad I was about to kick babies. So I get an iced chai and it was about 90% milk. Gross. I ended up tossing it out. Later, I came across another random coffee shop and tried again. They made me a hot chai and added ice cubes. Umm...what? Iced chai is not a difficult concept. It's approx. half chai and half milk but apparently math is really hard in Utah or something. Luckily, I have recently discovered that Wal Mart sells Oregon Chai so I will be making my own iced chais at home. 

The TSA Gets a Little Handsy.

So if you watch the news or read any kind of online anything that talks about the news on occasion, you will most likely have seen that the interwebz and a lot of the nation is up in arms over the new TSA security measures at airports. Basically, you either have to be zapped by the backscatter machine that shows an image of a person's body underneath their clothes, they see all your bits, or you have to agree to a pat down, complete with ball touching. If you get chosen for the backscatter machine you can opt out but you are required to get the invasive pat down or you don't get to fly. 

I find this completely ridiculous. The TSA has not caught a single terrorist from pre-flight screening, not one. There are potential health risks with the machines, and nobody knows what kind of damage they might do to the human body later on. 

Anyway, as someone who has been flying a lot recently and enjoys my personal rights, I've written my congressman, senator and signed a petition to end this nonsense. Visit www.flywithdignity.org for more information on the backscatter machines, the new rules, and the TSA. 

Casting My Ballot, But Not For This Fucktard.

So this asshat is running for Congress and just so happens to be running in District 4, my district. Last night I went to a forum between Art Robinson (R), Peter DeFazio (D), and the weird but endearing Green Party candidate Mike Beilstein. Mr. Robinson is a very loony, very angry little man. He wants to get rid of public education, he thinks children should be home schooled, which is convenient since he sells a line of home schooling materials. He also believes that the government should not help students pay for college but they should work their way through college like he did 40 years ago. The cost of attending college is ten times what it was when he attended. He also doesn't believe in global warming and thinks that nuclear energy is the only viable option for the future. Anyway, he's certifiable, just watch the video and see how far you can get before you want to start banging your head into a wall. 

le you sound like a moron.

I just logged on to facebook to see that 3 of my friends posted something with the words "le sigh" in it. I'm sorry but this is one of the more irritating popular phrases that people use right now. It's used to signify disappointment, as though you were actually sighing. Now, these people who are posting it I love dearly, and they are intelligent people so why on earth are they using a phrase from a cartoon skunk, and an obnoxious cartoon skunk at that? I realize that this has been popularized on the internet but it still sounds moronic. I'm sorry dear friends, but I thought you needed to know. 

Fucked Up Thing About Utah #2

3.2% by weight, 4% by volume, that's the alcohol content of their beer. Umm..what?! I have beer in my fridge right now that is over 10% alc/vol. Apparently you can only buy beer at convenience stores until 1 am. You can get stronger beer at liquor stores or restaurants with liquor licenses but they can't sell any on Sunday. Apparently beer over 4% alc/vol is considered liquor. This state is so batshit. According to wikipedia, "Utah has the lowest per capita consumption of alcohol in the United States"

It's so weird to me since Oregon is full of breweries that make amazing beer, and I love beer. I guess I should probably stock up now and pack my car full of beer rather than clothes. I'll probably need it more with all the crazy Utahns. Yes, Utahns. 

Pity Party.

My boss is trying to throw himself a pity party because he has to work open to close for 22 days straight because I'm leaving. I don't feel bad, I gave him a month and a half of notice. It's not my fault he waits until the last second to hire a person. I have 8 days of work and we're still waiting on a background check for the new person. So at best I'll have 6 days training him. My job is not a job that can be learned in 6 days and to be quite honest, my boss only has a vague idea of all the things I do. So, if I don't train this guy, he's going to have to figure it all out himself, which will mean a lot of phone calls from corporate telling him he didn't do something, or that he did it wrong. Nobody wants to start a new job and be told they're wrong all the time. Anyway, I wish my boss wasn't such a depressed person who likes others to feel bad for him because he's screwing over everyone else who works in the store too. 

Fucked Up Thing About Utah #1

Death by firing squad? What the fuck, seriously? After the suspension on capital punishment ended in 1976 only one state has stuck with this archaic way of killing a person, oh Utah. I mean, even your backwoods cousin, Idaho, has decided to outlaw this. So in June of this year, Utah executed it's 3rd person in this manner. I guess he asked to be killed in this way because of all of the speculation around lethal injection being inhumane. How about this, let's just stop killing people until we find a way that is humane, but is it really ever humane to kill someone?  

Edit:

Apparently you can no longer choose death by firing squad in Utah unless you were sentenced to death before 1984. It's not outlawed exactly but lawmakers have made lethal injection the default way to kill a person. Unless of course you were sentenced before that came into effect, then you get to choose for yourself. 

Haha the batshit crazy right wing religious propaganda spewing Fox News had this to say:

"Historians say the firing squad persisted in Utah long after the rest of the nation abandoned it because of the 19th century doctrine of the state's predominant religion. Early members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints believed in the concept of "blood atonement" -- that only through spilling one's own blood could a condemned person adequately atone for their crimes and be redeemed in the next life."

It must be coherent because it's in text and not coming out of the mouth of one of their idiot "news" anchors. 

Again? Is that really necessary?

breakup card found here. 

So I have this friend who has recently reunited with his ex...for the fourth time. Now, this is not a tempestuous on and off again kind of thing with stormy fights and hot makeup sex. This is a slow, boring, would rather stab myself in the ears repeatedly with a dull object than have to listen to him talk about it anymore kind of thing. I mean really, 6 years, 4 breakups and 3 engagement rings later and this time it's "different." Does that mean you're not going to buy her another engagement ring this time? I mean, come on people, everyone knows you have a two breakup rule. You are allowed to break up and get back together once. If you breakup again, then it is the end. I'll listen to you be sad through two breakups. After that, shut your pie hole. Stop being an emotional cutter and move on. This is the saddest case of codependency I've ever seen. He can't function on his own and has no idea how the world works. The guy can't even balance a checkbook and when he made his budget for living on his own, part of his budget was "strip clubs." As for her, I've never met anyone with lower self esteem in my life. From now on I've decided to be super obnoxious every time he says anything about their relationship and do the "talk to the hand" thing people used to do in middle school. I hope he gets it quickly because I will annoy myself with that.  

Macy's Blows.

So my Macy's payment was due the other day. I work three stores down from Macy's but since I had just signed up on their website for paperless statements I decided to pay online rather than walk my happy ass down there. WORST IDEA EVER!! First of all, you can't use a debit card, you have to use a check. ugh. Apparently they're old school at Macy's. Then because it's a check, it takes 3 to 4 days to process but they at no time tell you this, or if they did, I didn't notice it. What the hell? I've done my part Macy's, hurry the fuck up. So this morning on a national fucking holiday I get a call at 9 am that they haven't received my payment. They woke me up, I'm super confused and have no idea what the hell is going on. As far as I'm concerned, I paid the fucking bill. The guy isn't getting anywhere with me and gets frustrated and hangs up. Whatever, fine with me. Then they proceed to call me every 45 min to an hour even though I've already explained to the first guy probably 30 times that as far as I'm concerned the bill is paid and he can suck a dick. So I answer and piss another one off so he hangs up on me too. Then I get another call, I'm at work, I ignore it and then call back. This lady is a bitch and I was a bitch right back. I used some colorful language, spoke to her as though she was a five year old, and asked for her supervisor. I swear they listen to you while they put you on hold because she tried to put me on one of those indefinite holds and I eventually said, "they can make me wait all god damned day long, I don't give a fuck, I have speaker phone, it won't hold up my day at all" and I immediately got a supervisor who OH MY GOSH GUESS WHAT could refund the late fee they charged me but only after being a total prick. Wow, really? I'm supposed to thank you for that after the last 3 people I talked to were complete fucktards? They have some of the worst customer service I have ever come across and I will not be shopping at Macy's again for quite some time, if ever. 

tl;dr - Macy's customer service reps are a bunch of douchebags. 

Oh I left out the part where I threatened to call them every hour on the hour until they agreed to remove the late fee. I think that's what did it.

Seriously People?!

Vicky Cristina Barcelona is a Woody Allen film that came out in 2008. I've been trying to get my mother and sister to watch it ever since. I absolutely love and adore this movie. I could take or leave Scarlett Johansson, she pretty much sucks in everything, but Penelope Cruz won an Oscar for her portrayal of the crazy, beautiful, and extremely talented Maria Elena. Plus, it has Javier Bardem who is extremely sexy and a phenomenal actor. My sister said today that she doesn't know who Javier Bardem is and it just about killed me. It's not like he was the first Spanish actor to be nominated for and to win an Academy Award or anything. Sheesh! Get on it, sister. 

Also, this film has one of the best soundtracks ever. I love the Spanish guitar. 

Charter Internet Cont.

Dear Charter, 

You still suck. I'm on the phone with one of your representatives right now. I'm on hold while they run around like chickens with their heads cut off because they don't know a damn thing. I made an appointment to have a tech come out and guess what, he/she didn't show up. I'm really pleased that I got up early on my day off for this. I just absolutely love your superiorly shitty customer service. The hold message is awesome, letting me know how many customer care representatives you have to make my experience wonderful is hilarious. Thanks for that because it's about the only funny thing in dealing with your company. Everything else is just absolutely frustrating and a complete waste of time. Looks like it's time to call Verizon.  

Fuck you, 

Jordan. 

Spammers

Dear Spammers,

Please stop leaving spam comments. All comments are moderated by me. I try to not be a comment nazi and so I allow all of them, even the crazy religious ones. I do however deny your fake Gucci shoe comments, all 3 zillion of them. I know you won't read this because it's very likely that you can't read. Just in case you are literate: please stop. It's obnoxious. Those of you spamming me in German though, please continue as it's hilarious. 

Sincerely,

Jordan.  

Charter Internet

Dear Charter,

Fuck you. Your service sucks, your "tech support" department is full of idiots and you're overpriced. I hope your tech does come out tomorrow, I also hope it is pouring down rain. Then he can stand there in the rain knocking on the door while I'm at work because I spent 3 hours on the phone with my friends tonight and fixed the problem on my own with their help. No, it wasn't the cable line like you said it was considering how I just had a new one installed two weeks ago. Nice troubleshooting though. Fucktards. 

Victory!

It sure as hell waits on someone's finger. Crackhead bitch has been evicted. Too bad it was only partially to do with my incessant nagging and mostly had to do with her sticky fingers. Seriously, thanks for stealing my favorite diamond ring, glad I had that thing insured. I'm sure my dad is super stoked you stole his ring too, it's not like he didn't have it forever. I hope you got a lot of meth in exchange for all of those diamonds. I also hope you overdose. Cheers! 

Dress Code Bullshit.

So about a month ago my wonderful workplace let everyone know that they are changing the dress code to no cardigans. What the fuck is that? Cardigans comprise 90% of my wardrobe. I was super pissed that I was now going to have to go buy all new clothes because I was going to be spending my own money on shit I don't even like or want. So, I've decided that perhaps I should be super obnoxious and buy crazy hideous jackets like the ones pictured above. They're *technically* considered dress code. FU corporate.