PTSD. What is it?

I occasionally reference Jake’s PTSD here on my blog but I’ve never done a post on what PTSD actually is. I know that a lot of people have a vague understanding of it, I did before Jake and I met, but since then, I’ve learned a lot and I thought I’d share that with you today.

PTSD stands for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It’s an anxiety disorder that occurs after a traumatic event. Often times after your life was in danger. Soldiers aren’t the only ones that suffer from this (think rape victims, victims of other violent crimes) but more and more soldiers are coming home and presenting with the symptoms.

According to the Department of Veterans Affairs website, there are 4 types of PTSD symptoms.  Most other sites claim 3 types of symptoms.

1.              Re-living the event: memories of your trauma can come back at anytime.

Ex. Fireworks remind Jake of gunfire in Iraq. After the first 4^th of July he experienced this he now wears earplugs on the 4^th of July/New Years Eve. We don’t celebrate either of those outside of our home.

2.              Avoiding situations that remind you of the event.

Ex. Jake never watches war movies. Ever. Never ever ever. No Inglorious Basterds for him.

3.              Feeling Numb: difficulty expressing feelings.

Ex. I don’t really have an example but Jake does have a hard time expressing his feelings at times. Not always, but it happens.

4.              Feeling Keyed Up (Hyperarousal): Always being on guard.

Ex. When we go out we always sit at a table where Jake can have his back to the wall so he can see the other patrons and nobody can come up behind him. If a table like that isn’t available, we’ll wait.

As you can see, Jake has all 4 types of symptoms. This is typical as to be diagnosed with PTSD you generally have to have multiple symptoms from each category. These aren’t the only symptoms of PTSD though.

According to HelpGuide.org other common symptoms are:

Anger and Irritability

Guilt, Shame and Self-Blame

Substance Abuse

Feelings of Mistrust and Betrayal

Depression and Hopelessness

Suicidal Thoughts

Feelings of Being Alienated and Alone

Physical Aches and Pain

One of Jake’s symptoms is debilitating headaches. You know how when you get a migraine it ruins your whole day? Imagine that every single day but with varying degrees of pain. Some days it’s bearable, others you just can’t do much of anything. Well, when you have enough "can’t do much of anything" headaches every week you become unemployable. He has tried every medication combination under the sun and nothing helps. Or if something does help initially, it usually leaves him with a rebound headache that was worse than the original.

A lot of people with PTSD also suffer from nightmares. Were you aware that there is a medication to help a person forget their nightmares? There is, he takes it. It works fairly well too.

He suffers from a wide range of other symptoms as well, some of which I've mentioned previously. 

Two-thirds of people will eventually get better but one-third will not. I really hope that Jake is one of those that will get better but his doctors say his case of PTSD is very severe. In the meantime, we'll continue going to a million medical appointments at the VA and do our best to adapt to a life with PTSD. 

Our Struggles.

Things aren't always easy for us. Jake was in the Army for 8 years and is a veteran of Operation Iraqi Freedom III. After he returned home he was working a great job that he loved up on the Air Force base when he started presenting with symptoms of PTSD. He has a very severe case of it and was told that he could no longer work. However, they didn't offer benefits and for a year he only received unemployment, which was nowhere near enough to pay the mortgage. Eventually he got a hold of someone in political office with the help of some people at the VA and he got benefits but not after a year of missed payments. So he's losing his house, he's tried everything, talking to the bank (the mortgage has changed banks 3 times), hiring lawyers, now we're trying for a short sale.

Not only are the symptoms of PTSD hard; anxiety, awful headaches, memory loss, depression, nightmares, and many many other health issues, but having so many of the dreams for your life taken too, it's been rough. Jake joined the Army when he was still in high school. He went to boot camp before he graduated and was looking forward to a life where he could use the GI Bill to go to school. Now his memory is so bad that he can't take classes because he can't retain the information, he can't even read books and remember what is going on. He can't go to school, will have medical problems for the rest of his life, and is losing his home.

He doesn't regret going to Iraq, he feels he did the right thing, it's just hard to watch all of your dreams crash because of it. He is getting benefits now and he sent the bank almost everything that was past due on the house but they wouldn't accept it because it wasn't the full amount, it was 90% of what was past due, every cent he had. They sent it back and he used it to pay off all the other past due bills instead. Everything is current but the house, and the ridiculous thing is that he makes enough to pay the mortgage but they won't let him unless he pays the full past due amount. That doesn't keep the bank from calling 3 times a day 6 days a week though. In December all of the stress of the constant doctors appointments, harassment from the bank, and roommate problems caught up to Jake and he checked himself into 3A.

3A is the mental ward of the local VA Hospital. I was so proud of him for being able to recognize that he needed help, and being strong enough to ask for it. He spent just under two weeks there and they changed all of his meds and he's doing a lot better. He's happier and feels better about life. He also had an experimental procedure done at his civilian physician and although his headaches are still constant, the pain is at a much lower level.

Every night I drove to Salt Lake to visit Jake during the 2 hour visiting time. I'm glad there is such a place as the VA to help those who have served our country when they need it. The services are free because his injuries are service related and they really take good care of him there. When your loved one is really sick and hurting and there is nothing you can do, well, it's an awful feeling. I just tried to show my support and be there for him however I could.

The experience really reinforced to me some of the reasons I love Jake. He's brave and courageous, strong and honest. He's loving and he tries his best to make me happy. He is an amazing person, who gave a lot and didn't get much in return but he doesn't complain. He just tries to move on and make the best of it, which is what we're doing. We're saying good riddance to this house and this town and we're going to make a new start in a new place where we can make new memories together.

The Story of How We Met, on WoW.

Valentines Day is coming up so I thought I might share the tale of how Jake and I met. At first when people asked how we met I would just say, "through mutual friends," because it is a really nerdy story and people always give me funny looks afterward and it was just easier. However, that isn't exactly the truth.

One day I was at work when my friend Chris showed me some new pvp gear you could get on World of Warcraft. I'm not much of a pvp person (player vs. player) I'm more of pve (player vs. environment, where you kill non player characters) player but there was a neckpiece that was better than the one I had, so I resolved to do battlegrounds when I got home to get enough honor to buy it. I was just going to do BGs by myself but I noticed some guy in trade chat spamming "LFM to BG, please have vent" which means he was looking for more people to do battlegrounds with him, and to please have a mic so you could talk to each other. I messaged him back and a group of us went and queued for random battlegrounds. We did 4 or 5 of them and then went our separate ways but whenever we passed each other in game we'd always have our toons wave at each other.

Then one night I had a question about something and none of my other friends were on so I messaged him and we just started talking. We became WoW friends. After a couple months of being WoW friends, we traded facebook info. Guess what, he was cute! Shortly after that we traded phone numbers and would text each other occasionally but our main communication was still through vent. We'd talk to each other all night while raiding, BGing, farming gold, whatever. Then we'd talk on facebook chat after we had logged off WoW.

Eventually we decided to meet. I flew over to Utah first. Mainly because I really needed a break from my job and to get out of the Coos for a bit. I was a little nervous but not really since we already knew each other as friends. So I landed in Salt Lake and called him to find the way to the baggage claim where he was. He gave me directions to go right then left then down the stairs. So I'm coming down the stairs, still on the phone, and I can't find him anywhere. I keep asking him where he is and am turning in circles looking for him like a complete idiot while he is laughing on the phone because he can see me the whole time. Butt head. I finally found him and we got in the car. We were both really nervous because it's weird to actually meet someone in person that you like and have been talking to for a long time. I stayed in Utah for 4 days and we just hung out, watched movies, nearly got killed by his friend's questionable driving skills, cuddled, and walked out in the ridiculously hot sun. I mean seriously, it is freaking hot here in the summer.

The next month he flew out to Oregon. We went to all my favorite spots in town and at the beach. We went to Shore Acres Botanical Garden and the Japanese Garden at the park. He met my family and befriended my cat. We talked about one of us moving. I decided to move because I was ready to be leaving Coos Bay anyway. So I flew back to Utah again and stayed for a couple weeks where we both were really sick and did nothing but sleep or play WoW. One day I was especially miserable and Jake got up and went to the store at 5am to get me medicine. He's just that nice. I quit my job, spent a few weeks visiting family in California and then Jake flew out to drive with me to Utah.

And here we are, together and happy in Utah but hopefully moving somewhere else soon. I do not love Utah anywhere near as much as I love Jake. We have our computers set up right next to each other and we WoW together all the time. In fact, we even share a lvl 85 mage (in addition to our lvl 85 druids, priest, and dk). He uses it for pvp and I do pve.

When we were dating long distance I kept a notebook in which I wrote to Jake. Some of them are love letters, some are just writing down things he missed or memories I want him to be able to refer back to later since he has a really poor memory. I kept it a secret for a long time and even once he found out about it, I kept it until Christmas when I wrapped it up and gave it to him on Christmas morning. When we're apart and miss each other, he can read our book and be reminded of how much I love him.

Finding a Home.

image found here

I'm feeling a little discouraged trying to find a home. Jake and I both want to leave Utah and are trying to find a home in or around Eastern Oregon, we're cool with Western Idaho too. The towns we're looking at are small country towns and there aren't a lot of rentals available. When I look at the towns that are a little bit larger, all I find are boring subdivision houses. Some people really like them because they're nice, new, and large. They're just not my style. I prefer houses with a little more personality, odd nooks, and a vintage or country feel. The rentals I do find that aren't in a cul-de-sac tend to be really small, which is okay with me, but Jake likes to have a lot of space. We're making the six hour drive to check out houses in a week and I really hope we're able to find something so we can leave Utah as soon as possible.

It's Almost V Day.

So, who is doing something awesome for Valentines Day? I keep seeing all kinds of pretty V Day crafts on the blogs I follow. I just don't feel like doing any crafts for this holiday. We're not really doing anything special. We're not doing gifts because we're hopefully moving soon (if we can find a sweet house). We talked about getting each other a wii. We were going to do that for Christmas but since PtheD broke Jake's xbox we got one of those instead since we already had a zillion games for it. We're going to save the wii for after we move though. So we'll probably just end up spending Valentines playing World of Warcraft. They celebrate holidays in the game. We can have a romantic picnic, eat yummy candy and have a nice virtual date.

Gung Hay Fat Choy!

Happy Chinese New Year Everyone!!

Especially to my two Hare Brothers. Happy year!

I finally got around to stacking my lucky oranges BEFORE the holiday for once. Woo hoo!

My Goals for 2011, or soon after.

I have a habit of writing down goals and to do lists in notebooks to help sort out and remember what it is I wanted to do but then I never look at them again. So I'm going to write my goals down right here, where they're easy for me to find again.

• Learn to use a sewing machine.
• Use new found sewing machine skills to learn to quilt.
• Move to Oregon or Idaho or somewhere that isn't Utah.
• Learn to cook a variety of things well.
• Learn embroidery.
• Raise chickens.
• Plant tulips.
• Start an herb garden. Including the cat nip herb.
• Reopen my etsy shop.
• Read more.

I know there are other things I'm forgetting right now. The beauty is that I can come back and add them later.

Things.

One of my classes has a volunteering requirement at a place of my choice that assists families living in poverty. I chose St. Anne's Center which is a homeless shelter/soup kitchen. Today was my first day there. I did a bunch of random things, one of which was to hang Valentine's Day decorations made by kindergartners from a local elementary school. While hanging these heart shaped people I overheard two men talking and it was perhaps the most heartbreaking thing I've ever heard in my life. One man has been homeless for awhile and was giving the other man tips on which shelters will house single men...with children. Each of these men has two kids, all under the age of 7 and they're all homeless. Many shelters will gladly take women and their children but not many will take men with their children because a lot of the woman headed families are ones that have left and are homeless because of domestic violence so they don't allow men in these facilities. The facilities that do house men usually don't house families which leaves these single fathers with few options. I can't even imagine being homeless, let alone with small children to take care of.

In other news, PtheD no longer lives here. He and Jake's mom got into it last night and she kicked him out. I mean, he was already kicked out but Jake isn't here right now so he just never moved out on Sunday like he was supposed to. We changed all the locks but refused to give him a key so he'd been texting every night asking us to leave the door unlocked. Well, last night he didn't text so I assumed he was staying at one of his lady friends houses so I locked the door. He woke Jake's mom up at 12:30 for her to let him in (she gets up for work at 2:30) and then he wasn't at the door. She went back to bed and he called her and said some smart ass comment like, "are you going to let me in or what?" which pissed her off. Then they got into a screaming match which woke me (and the neighborhood) up and she kicked him out. She made him get his stuff and get out of the house. Fine by me, it saved me the trouble of having to make it happen. That guy is such a moron. I had hard boiled eggs and he ate them all and replaced them in the bowl with raw eggs. I went to make egg salad sandwiches and when I rolled the egg on the counter to crack it, it made a giant mess as it was actually raw. What a fucking douche bag. I mean seriously, who does that? I really hope I never have to see him again, ever, because it will not be pretty if I do.

What Should I Be When I Grow Up?

So I'm about a year out from a Bachelor's in Anthropology but I really don't think I'm going to do anything in that field. I want to find a career doing something I'll love but I'm not sure what that is. I love making things, and if I could perfect something enough so that I could sell it, and people would want to buy it, that would be awesome. I'm also considering learning medical transcription so I can work from home on my own schedule. I would really like to be able to balance my work with my crafting time. I don't want a job where I work 60 hours a week and come home exhausted all of the time. If only I will be this lucky in life. Anyway, what should I be when I grow up, any ideas?

O Christmas Tree, O Christmas Tree...

Here is our Christmas tree. There are few tree lots here so we went to Lowe's, but it was fun and we found a very very round tree; he's plump. Jake didn't have any tree stuff since he never puts one up so we went to WalMart and bought a bunch of cheap ornaments. I'm slowly collecting good ornaments. My mom has a lot of ornaments that were given to me while I grew up from my Aunties that she's going to send me, someday.
I really really love our star. It was $10 and I'm pretty sure would break the first time it even thought about falling but I love it so much. Jake wants to try and find a similar one made out of better materials.
That's our heart ornament for our first Christmas together.

Baby Lana.

I have the cutest niece ever. I mean, she is freaking adorable. My mom and sister send me pictures of her and they brighten my day every single time. For more Lana adorableness visit my sister's blog. 

Photos of Utah.

Technically, this might not be Utah. It was on the drive back from Havasu, when we were driving at about 1 mile per hour. 
Yeah, this happens everywhere. On houses, underneath cars. It's kind of creepy because I always think one is going to fall and impale me through the eye or something when I'm looking up at it. 
This was the view I was met with on my craft store quest. Have I mentioned that Mormon women are obsessed with crafts? There are craft stores everywhere. Literally, I drive by 3 or 4 a day. It's insane. It'd be fine except all I needed was some damn felt and all the crazy Momo ladies bought out all the Christmas colored felt in 3 stores. THREE stores. What the hell? Crazies. 

The London Bridge.

Other than lots of old people, Lake Havasu City has the London Bridge. Yep, from London. When the bridge was being replaced in 1968 in England, they disassembled it piece by piece, every granite brick was numbered and was then reassembled in Lake Havasu across a man made canal exactly the same as it was in London. This is the second most visited tourist attraction in Arizona, right behind the Grand Canyon. 
We fed some birds too, like we used to do when I was a kid at Mingus Park. Except that these birds weren't rabid and covered in slime. 
Around the bridge is a little tourist village that has a bunch of souvenir shops. This one had a cute door, but all the stuff inside was crap. You know, bumper stickers and shot glasses. There was a candle factory though that was pretty cool if you like candles. They make really elaborate candles right there in front of you. I'm not much of a candle fan. My mom was really paranoid about fire when we were kids and she passed on her dislike of candles to me. Plus, most candles smell like ass. I prefer Bath & Body Works' wallflower smelly things. They smell so good and are about half the price right now during Christmas. I just went and stocked up yesterday. 

Kingman, AZ.

Jake and I are down in Lake Havasu City, Arizona visiting his sister and her family for Thanksgiving. Today we went to nearby Kingman so I could buy a new power cord for my laptop and to run some other errands. We were going to stop by an animal sanctuary but it's closed on Tuesday of all days so we're going to go back on Friday. Anyway, we ate some of the worst "Mexican" food I've ever had in my life at El Palacio. Seriously, if you ever happen to be in Kingman, avoid that place like you would the plague.

After lunch we stopped by a museum we had noticed that is all about Route 66. It had the cool little miniature towns that are seen below. There were also some photos by a local photographer and a gift shop that was clearly geared toward the elderly. I haven't seen anyone under the age of 65 wear a visor in years, especially one that had a license plate design all over it. Yay for sequins. 

Someone has a lot more patience than I to make these things.

They should probably dust them once a decade though, you know, to keep them looking fresh.

Happy Birthday Brookie!

My sister turned 30 years old on the 18th. She is now officially old as fuck. Happy Birthday sissy. I've figured out what I'm getting her but she doesn't get it for awhile for two reasons. One being that I don't have a job, and two is that it's a Birthday/Christmas gift. 

card found here. 

HP 7 Part 1. Harry Potter, Bitches!

In order to get ready to watch Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1, I watched all of the previous movies and re-read the Deathly Hallows book. It is still my favorite Harry Potter book, I love the final fight at the end, when the castle helps defend against Voldemort. Anyway, the movie was great, and I understand that they have to leave things out so that the movie won't end up being 7 zillion hours long, but having just read the book, it made me sad. Plus, they completely change a lot of things, it kind of pissed me off. 

Aside from the movie, the theater in Ogden was super cool. It has assigned seating, like a concert though, which was weird. Every other theater I've been in is a first come, first serve deal. Anyway, the cool thing about this theater is that they have a food court and you can take your food into the movie with you. So we got some mini Pizza Hut pizzas and a quesadilla and enjoyed our movie. 

I must say though that I have been to one theater that was even cooler, it had couches and ottomans and served alcohol. Thanks for that experience, little brother. 

EDIT: I forgot to mention there was a vendor at the theater selling wands. I seriously considered purchasing one and then remembered that I can make my own. Hell yeah! Now who has a phoenix feather I can use for the core?

Ahi Loves Catnip like Miley Cyrus Loves the Cock.

My beloved cat, Ahimsa, hasn't had much experience with catnip. Most of her toys are little balls that make noise, not those catnip stuffed mice. Catnip affects about 50% of cats, and apparently my fluffy little hairball is one of them. Jake had some in a little pile that his cats like to eat. Ahi jumped right in and rolled around in the stuff. Once sufficiently coated she came and jumped on my freshly laundered clothing. Gee thanks. Good thing she's cute. I've been wanting to start an herb garden and since Nepeta cataria (catnip) is an herb, maybe I'll grow some for Miss Ahimsa.

Didn't You Know...

hangers = love. Last time I was in Utah I went to Wal Mart specifically to buy hangers and they only had white. I hate white hangers, talk about boring. So while I was in Oregon stressing out and trying to get ready to move, Jake was out buying me an assortment of pretty hangers. I like the yellow color the best. 

Utah.

My photo is a little blurry, I was hanging out a window going 75 mph. That's okay, every photo of Utah could be blurry and you wouldn't be missing much. 
The clouds were really pretty here. If they were a little bit darker and full of unrelenting rain, it would've reminded me of home. 

Home, Home on the Range.

Here are some photos of the area near Jake's hometown of Dietrich, Idaho. His hometown boasts a little market that sells deep fried burritos, and a tiny tiny tavern. That is all. There's not even a gas station. Oh, but there is a giant Momo church (that's how I'm referring to the Mormons from now on). I'm pretty sure the church can hold more people than live in the area.