Happy Voting!

It's my favorite day, election day! I love exercising my right to vote. I spend hours studying measures and reading both sides, always trying to make an informed decision. Voting empowers me and leaves me feeling not only like I've fulfilled a sense of duty but also made those who came before me proud. I dropped off my ballot last week. If your state does the poll thing or you have yet to drop yours off, please don't forget to get out and vote. I know a lot of people are disheartened and don't feel like their vote matters, or will change anything. Please remember that not only are you voting for the President, but you're voting on local issues too, that will directly affect your life and community. Voting is important. It hasn't even been 100 years yet that women have been able to vote and that right is something I never ever want to take for granted. Especially now, when my rights as a woman are being threatened and attacked everyday.

So please, if you weren't planning on doing anything with that ballot, google your local measures or bust out that voter's guide and review it. You might find something has been proposed that could change your community in a big way, and I hope you get your say in it.

If you need further convincing, Jes at The Militant Baker has a great 8 Reasons to Vote post up right now.

Weekly Scenes.

I took my mom's dog to get her picture with Santa this weekend and in addition to the doggy treats they hand out, they also gave some amazing candy made locally at Cranberry Sweets, including awesome chocolate covered marshmallows on a stick. I shared with Jake, but I really wanted to keep it for myself. The next day I went and made Christmas cards at my mom's house for about 5 hours. She teaches a card class every month and already had paper cut and designs ready, which made it so nice and easy. I also took my "welcome to our home" sign down and changed it into a dry erase board that now hangs by our bed. It saves me so much paper to write my list up there instead of in a notebook.

I Scream for Ice Cream.

Last night I went over to my mom and step-dad's for an I scream ice cream party. Jake had to raid so he missed out on the fun but I made sure to bring home some cupcakes and vampire fangs for him so I think he's okay. They had all of their neighbors over for the party and it was pretty fun. The house was decorated and even had a cardboard cutout of Bela Lugosi as Dracula. I have no idea where they found that but it's pretty damn cool. I'm glad I was able to go do something for Halloween. We never get trick-or-treaters where we live and it always bums me out. I love handing out candy to adorably dressed little children.

Farmer's Market Trip.

Our local Farmer's Market goes until the end of this month and since I can finally drive, I decided to take advantage while I can. I went about 20 minutes before it closed down. There weren't many stalls left, but there are never many to begin with. The benefit to going later in the day is that I got two loaves of bread for just over the price of one. Sometimes you can get other discounts like that as well. The con is that everything has been picked over.

In addition to what you see above, I also got a second loaf of bread, more bell peppers and a small bouquet of flowers, all of which I dropped off for my mom at her work. I got myself some flowers too. There's a cute little old guy from the Salem area who comes down with the most beautiful dahlias.

I wish the farmer's market happened more frequently so I could go shopping there all of the time. I love supporting local farmers, bakers, and craftspeople. I also love how flavorful fresh produce is. There isn't much better than taking a bite into a crisp veggie.

Drying Apples.

Since we don't eat a lot of applesauce in these parts, I decided to dry at least one of my 5 gallon buckets of apples. I don't particularly like dried fruit but Jake loves it and it's been a struggle finding snacks that he loves that aren't time consuming to prepare in the moment. I want to have snacks around that he can grab in an instant and keep going with his day.

My mom got us this dehydrator for Christmas last year and this is my first time using it. In the past I've always dried my fruits and vegetables in the oven so having a dehydrator was quite exciting. Let me tell you, it's so simple and easy to use. I would definitely recommend this for someone who is new to dehydrating and/or feels uncomfortable dehydrating in the oven.

So far we've only done apples and bananas but have grand plans to dry some cranberries soon too. I just have to work through all of these apples first. I'm considering purchasing a couple extra trays to take it from a 4 tray to a 6 tray dehydrator so I can do more at once but that isn't really a priority. Oh, and apparently you can also use it for jerky, which I might have to try at some point. I know a ton of people who just love jerky.

What's your favorite dried fruit?

Winter Boots for Men.

There is someone in this household who is really excited over his new boots. I don't blame him one bit, I'm pretty jealous of how nice they are, I wish I had a girl version. Winter is coming and here on the coast that means a lot of rain. Pretty much everyday will be wet, and even on days when the sky isn't falling, the ground is still soaked through, parking lots are flooded and protecting your feet is of the utmost importance. Having never experienced a rain filled winter before, Jake dug out his old Army boots. They probably would work but for one thing, they're really ugly, for another, they smell awful. Wear some shoes in Iraq for a year and then tell me they smell good. No thanks.



We searched the internet for some boots and this is the pair Jake really wanted. He's in love. I'm in love because in addition to keeping him dry, they don't look like redneck/construction/Army boots. He wore them all day (even in the house, he was so excited) and said they didn't hurt at all. It's important to me that his feet stay warm, toasty, and dry. I don't like taking care of runny noses or contracting anyone else's cold. These shoes should last him for years, which is the best part! They were a bit of an investment for us but should hopefully last, as long as he takes good care of them. Sometimes it's better to invest in something than constantly be buying new of the lesser quality item. How are you preparing for winter?

Book Report: The Chalk Circle Man.

When my eyes finally started to get back to normal instead of showing me two of everything, my sweet mother went to the library to get me some reading material. This was back when I couldn't really walk yet. She picked me up a couple Harry Potters and then headed over to the mystery aisle where she dug around for something that looked good. There was a man in the aisle and he suggested trying something by Fred Vargas so my mom took his advice. She checked out The Chalk Circle Man which is the first novel in the Commissaire Adamsberg series.

Vargas is a top selling French author so you kind of have to pay extra attention when reading as the locations are in French, due to the books being set in France. I really enjoyed this first book and so far have read about half of the series. I think there are 6 books but I'm not sure since every time I google it, all of the articles are in French, which I don't speak or read.

The books center around Jean-Baptiste Adamsberg, a detective in Paris who is a little shabby, a little flaky, and completely brilliant. In fact, all of her (Fred Vargas is a woman) characters are quirky and interesting. To be honest, the murder in the first novel didn't happen until after at least 50 pages, but it's the characters that won't let you just set the book aside and decide not to read it. They're all so strange and yet the way they're written is very charming. Vargas is a historian so you also learn a lot of interesting things about the history of France as you read.

I also like that (so far) the crimes in the novels aren't described in a gruesome or creepy way. Sure, some of them aren't particularly nice, but it's not like an episode of some of those cop shows that leave you with nightmares later on. She describes these misdeeds in a way that gets to you, but doesn't leave you wanting to scrub your eyes with bleach.

In this first novel, someone is going around Paris drawing chalk circles on the ground and leaving strange objects in them, such as trombones, dead birds, and other random items. Everyone thinks it's a prank, until one night, they discover a body inside a circle. dun dun dun

If you're into a fairly quick, enjoyable, and different type of mystery, I'd definitely recommend these books, for the characters if nothing else.

A Gift of Apples.

Canning is pretty much my number one mostest favoritest hobby. I canned some pears back in May but then I got sick and missed out on practically the entire canning season so I was really excited today when one of my dad's employees dropped off two 5 gallon buckets of apples. She helped install the floors in our apartment and saw all of my jars of food and it was extremely sweet of her to think of me.

Now I have to figure out what to do with all of these apples. I'll make applesauce and apple butter but that will still leave me with a lot of apples. I've seen some recipes for apple pie filling but I don't like apple pie so I don't know about that. I guess it's time to bust out my canning books and find some interesting apple recipes.

How would you put up the apples?

Plans & Dreams

Every now and again I'll run across a notebook of my writings from childhood and have myself a nice little laugh. I had so many crazy ideas that I now find incredibly entertaining. I bet in another ten or twenty years I'll find my current writings to be pretty hilarious too. For me, it's important to write down my goals and wishes. Committing my thoughts to paper helps me to organize them. I constantly feel like I have a million things flying around in my brain at lightening speed so it is always nice to get a few ideas out of my head and down on paper.

This is the notebook I use to keep track of my goals for life, finances, and sometimes even my blog. I also use it to make dream lists. Things I'd like to experience, places to visit, and the occasional crochet pattern to try. Writing these things down helps them to not get lost in my brain. I have a tendency to come up with great ideas and not always remember them later.

I love going back to older pages and revisiting what I wrote down. Did I meet my goals? Is that something that is still important to me? Have I at least worked toward it? Then I like to come up with ways to accomplish these dreams. Setting goals and not making a plan on how to reach them is a bit of a waste of time. Reaching goals takes time and effort, things don't happen magically - although it would be awesome if they did. So it's best to come up with a plan and execute it but I try to make sure my plans are flexible, life changes quickly so I want to be able to adapt easily to change.

I love writing in this notebook. It's a special place for me. The cover makes me smile and I always make sure to use my best handwriting so that when I open it, I feel like my thoughts are calm and complete. When my handwriting is messy I feel like reading it makes my brain a little messy too. It's weird, I know, but that's just how it is.

Do you keep your plans and dreams in your head or do you write them out too?

Medical Bills are Rough.

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I have strong opinions on the American healthcare system but it would take me all day to type them out and I really just want to talk about my recent experience with how overwhelming hospital bills can be. When I first got sick I put off going to the E.R. because I knew that even though I had insurance, it would still be expensive. When I finally did end up going after about a week of throwing up everything I ate, I was treated very poorly, accused of being on drugs, and sent on my way with no help. When I received the bill with the blood and urine tests they did (which came back clean and then they asked me if I was sick because I was depressed) I was livid. I had tried to avoid going to the E.R. not because I thought they'd be giant a-holes but because I didn't want the stress of the financial burden that comes with an E.R. visit.

I've started getting my medical bills and it's really overwhelming. The stack seems to be a mile high. I talked my dad into giving me one of his filing cabinets so I can try to organize and make some sense of them. I get one bill for the doctor, one for the facility, one for the procedure. Now multiply that by 4 different facilities and about 20 doctors and it feels like a never ending mountain of bills. It'd be so much easier if they just sent one bill per stay but they don't, which makes it really confusing. I have to sort through them and figure out what the heck is going on. Some of them can be paid online but most can't. One hospital has sent me a separate bill with a different patient number for each time I was there. Way to make it easy.

One thing I noticed when going over the bills is the price gouging that happens. The local hospital billed $4,800 for a brain MRI with contrast. Another hospital billed closer to $1,600 for the exact same procedure. How is this allowed? I understand that different places charge different amounts but that is such a large discrepancy and definitely makes me feel like I'm being taken advantage of.

I'm so thankful that I have insurance, otherwise these bills would be stressing me out. I'm also "lucky" that my income is well below the poverty level for my state so there are assistance programs I can apply for. Just last year I was living without health insurance hoping that I didn't get sick. I can only imagine the amount of stress not having insurance would have added to an already stressful hospital stay. It's especially saddening for those who do have the added stress, since avoiding stress is generally part of any recovery. I used to do credit applications at a previous job and there are so many people who have had to file bankruptcy because of medical bills. Getting sick in America is scary.

Jam Night @ Shark Bites.

When I was a wee child my mom used to take my brother and I to see plays at this little rinky dink hole-in-the-wall theater. Usually the plays would star children and be some adaptation of children's literature. I remember enjoying them and that they seemed to take forever sometimes. The theater shut down years ago and the restaurant next door bought the place. Now they have concerts in there and last night they had their once a month jam night. Jake and I love live music and my step dad was doing sound there so we went down with my mom, had an awesome dinner and watched some old people jam and dance to a bunch of songs I've never heard of. It was awesome.

The rainy season has begun. We'll see you next May, Sunshine.

Right across the street is the old movie theatre. It is now closed but I have so many memories of that place. I stood outside for hours for the midnight release of the latest Star Wars trilogy. We saw Aladdin there 5 times when we were kids. I went to my first political debate there where I got to watch Congressman DeFazio be brilliant. After it closed down, it was reopened and showed older favorites like Casablanca and Rocky Horror Picture Show. Now it just sits empty and makes me sad because the city can't afford needed repairs. The coolest thing about the theatre is that it houses a Wurlitzer organ that was installed in 1925.

More Crappy Medical Procedures.

I got a new inhaler last week and some cough syrup with codeine because the cough I've had for almost two months just won't go away. When we were in Portland for my brain scans we had a couple hours to kill between the scans and getting the results so we went to hunt down some donuts for my uncle. We were in the donut shop and I started coughing and then I let out this terrible scream as my rib separated from the cartilage. I scared the guy behind the counter, I think he thought I was having a heart attack. It's amazing the pain I can handle when I'm prepared for it and know it's coming but if it's unexpected pain I'm kind of a baby.

Since we've already tried asthma medication, steroids, and allergy meds and none of it has helped, my doctor wants to send me to a specialist. They are going to stick a camera down my throat. I don't know why but this really freaks me out, a lot more than getting spinal taps did. Please think some good thoughts about my cough going away soon so I won't have to have the fun camera procedure. The codeine has helped a lot with the cough and mostly with the constant pain in my ribs. Anytime I move or take too deep of breath it hurts but the very worst is sneezing. Sneezes are violent and there is no way to stop them. I've been choking my coughs down for weeks because of my rib pain but sneezes are like awful little tornadoes that just do whatever they want.

Have any of you ever had the camera down the throat (technical term) procedure done? If so, how was it?

New Winter Boots.

When we were in Portland I asked my mom to stop by Nordstrom so I could try on some TOMS shoes. Since sensation has changed in my right foot, I have a lot of trouble keeping my flats on. I was looking for some shoes that covered a little more than just my toes. After inspecting the TOMS, I figured they wouldn't work. They were cute and really comfy but here on the Oregon Coast, when it rains, it pours, and there is nothing worse than soaking wet feet. I looked around at some of the other shelves, I considered getting some Chuck Taylors but then I saw these boots and kind of fell in love. I like that they have a zipper, because then I don't have to bend over and tie them. When I bend my neck down it stretches out the lesion in my neck/spine and sends little tremors down my right leg that feel like fireworks. So I kind of like to avoid that.

I see people wearing cute shoes on all kinds of blogs but then when I find the shoes in real life, they are so uncomfortable. Sometimes I wonder if they just wear the cute shoes in the photo and then switch them out. So after wearing these shoes all around town yesterday, I wanted to share that they are really comfortable. My feet didn't hurt at all at the end of the day. I love my new boots so much and I'm glad I talked myself into getting them instead of the Chucks.

Good News!

Yesterday morning I got to wake up early to go to the clinic on the waterfront (so beautiful) and lay in an MRI machine for 3 hours. I swear, my nose never itches until I have to not move for 3 hours, then it just goes crazy. After my morning scans, we killed a few hours and then went back in the afternoon for the results. The bad news is that my lesions are all still there but the super awesome news is that every single one of them has gotten smaller, some of them significantly! I don't have to go back for scans for another 6 months. I'm hoping by then they will have gone away completely. In the meantime, I continue exercising my leg and hope the rest of my symptoms continue to improve.

It's Scan Time.

Today we're heading back up to Portland for Jake's neuro consultation at the VA hospital and tomorrow I get new brain and spine MRI's at OHSU. It's nice we were able to schedule our appointments on consecutive days so we only have to make one trip. My scans tomorrow are at 8 a.m. and then I have an appointment in the afternoon to go over the results. Here's hoping my lesions have either shrank or disappeared!

Pumpkin Patch!

My Aunt and Uncle drove Jake and I up the river on Saturday to go visit the Mahaffy Pumpkin Patch. My mom and step-dad were both there doing fundraisers with various organizations they belong to so I got to visit with my mama when we were out there too. This was my first time going to this particular pumpkin patch and it was so cute. If I had kids I'd definitely bring them.



You can take a hay ride and they'll drop you off way out in the pumpkin field, or you can stay on for the round trip. There was also a corn cob gun you could shoot and bobbing for apples in addition to goats and bunnies to pet.



This is as far as I got with my cane before I looked back and realized I needed to turn around if I ever hoped to get back to that little house alive but I was only about halfway out into the field. We ended up with 3 pumpkins, one of which was around 30 lbs. Isn't it beautiful out there? I just love how green Oregon is.

Second Birthday Girl.

Two weeks ago my mom and I made the 10 hour drive down to my sister's to visit and celebrate my niece's second birthday. I can't believe she's two already. She's hilarious, adorable, smart as can be and gives great little hugs. Also, my favorite moment was when my mom put her cloth diaper on wrong and she proceeded to pee all over my bed. I didn't mind one bit because she got right in and cuddled with me. What else was there to do really? When the top of the blankets are all wet, you better get in and snuggle the bottom blankets.

I think I need to live more like a two year old. I mean, licking the beater is obviously just pure joy.

Awesome Cousins!

One day when I was in the hospital I went online to see that my Uncle had tagged me in a photo on facebook. My beautiful, smart, and sweet as can be cousins made me a get well soon poster. It's hands down the coolest poster I've ever seen, I love everything about it. It reminds me so much of something I would've made when I was their age and it brightened my day up just as quick as could be.

And not to leave out my other set of cousins who live a little closer, they came up between my two stays at the hospital with food! Homemade, healthy, vegetarian, yumminess! My freezer is still full because of them and I appreciate them so much for it. I'm so lucky to have the family that I do.

Cruz the Coos.

My hometown has something called the Fun Festival every year in September. There is a race (Steve Prefontaine was from here), a parade of the high school teams and local businesses, a bunch of vendor booths and food downtown, concerts, and the Cruz the Coos old car parade. My dad took Jake and I down to Cruz and we had such a great time. We sat on the sidewalk as the cars went by. They just keep going for a couple of hours, in a big circle through town, which is nice because it gives you a chance to really get a good look. Some of the cars have cool paint jobs, colored lights underneath, and even hydraulics. If I was mechanically inclined I'd be really into the idea of having an old pickup truck.

My dad is a big fan of Harley Davidson so we parked near their parking lot to watch the parade. It was a great idea, they had picnic tables set up and a live band playing 80s butt rock. I love watching cover bands consisting of old dudes with bad hair and dirty leathers belting out some White Snake. Keep on rockin', old guys!

Heirloom Decanters.

Every time I see my Aunties I return with bags and boxes full of stuff. Jake jokes that I'm not allowed to bring anything back from California ever again. I just can't help it though, their stuff is so cool! I've talked about heirlooms before, and although I don't want to end up as a hoarder, these things are special to me. I love using items that my relatives loved to use too. It reminds me how much I have in common with my family and how much love we have for each other. Even though I may have been born 70 years later, I can still bond with them over things like mason jars and flowers and I think that is so special. I love having those memories with the people who matter most.

My Heart Belongs to the Pacific.

My little brother came into town one day and we went out to lunch at the restaurant I used to work at before I got sick. Then he drove us by the beach. I couldn't go out to the water, my legs were too tired and a cane doesn't work particularly well in the sand, it just keeps sinking and sinking, but it was so nice to see the ocean. I always feel like a part of me is missing if I go too long without viewing that gigantic body of water. Staring at the ocean puts life into perspective for me, it reminds me of how vast this planet and universe are and how small and insignificant my problems are. It takes the stress of life down about 7 notches, and all from staring for just a few minutes. It's magic.

Campout!

A month or so ago my dad and his best friend had a campout in his friend's hay field. It was really fun. They made a fire pit out of a horse trough and some brick. Don't worry, they had the fire department come out and check on it, there have been a lot of wildfires this year. They also made a path down to the river so people could go swim or sunbathe. I was too sick to camp in the cold but Jake and I went and hung out both days.

 

We took our dogs so they could run around like crazy banshees all day. My dad had a guy he knows come out and barbecue chicken and tri-tip, it smelled so good. They also had a live band on the second night. They played country music and a lot of people were out there swing dancing. One of my dad's friends who goes by Apple Pie brought her homemade apple pie liquor which was passed around the campfire the first night. I'm happy I got to go do one normal summer thing this year. It felt nice to be out. Plus, it was right when the blackberries were ripe so I got to pick and eat tons of yummy blackberries, they grow like weeds out here on the coast.

I have toilet paper shoved up my nose, because I'm classy.

My sweet niece and sister drew this for me, I'm saving it forever and ever. 

I really miss my blog, a lot, but I've been spending most of my time sleeping lately. Every little thing wipes me out, from going to the grocery store to just cooking dinner. I try to cook things that I don't have to stand and stir the entire time, so I can sit down and just check on them periodically. Sitting down is my new best friend.

I went to the doctor a week or so ago for a cough that just wouldn't go away. We were hoping it was caused by allergies but I had to go back yesterday because it is worse and now he's thinking cough variant asthma, although he is also testing me for a blood clot in my lungs and whooping cough. I did get some new meds though so hopefully those will help.

Last night I coughed until I puked which was something new and completely disgusting. I wish our bodies had some sort of alarm that warns you that you're going to puke later, so you can watch what you eat beforehand. I think that would really take some of the horror out of puking. Some foods are just a lot worse coming back up than others (pizza, I'm looking at you).

It's time for flu shots, so if you are into immunizations, don't forget to go get yours!

Out & About (Mostly).

Since I can't walk far and am not supposed to drive, I don't get out of the house much but my mom has been really good about helping us run errands when we need to and on the days when she gets the afternoon off. Fleas are a huge problem over here this year and when we moved here, I didn't think to get our dogs on flea medicine because where we moved from, there aren't any fleas. I mean, there might be fleas but they keep to themselves and don't harass dogs. So we went to the vet and got the flea situation sorted out.



My Uncle built a pizza oven in his backyard and had us over for pizza night. He made two different kinds of dough and he made a red sauce and so did my Aunt. He had me try both of the sauces but wouldn't tell me which was his. They were both really good but his was a bit runny so I said my Aunt's was better, then he called me a traitor. He called me pumpkin head all throughout childhood though so I didn't feel too bad. It was really fun to make our own pizzas and try out different dough/sauce combinations. My Uncle is our next door neighbor and I had to cross some gravel to get to his house. I was worried about it but with Jake's help and my cane, it went pretty well.



This is part of the mural on the best sub shop in town. My mom took me to the library so I could check out some books and then we went to get some City Subs. I picked up a couple mystery novels and some Harry Potters I had wanted to reread. The ridiculous thing is, one of the HPs I wanted was checked out but they had it in large print, it's over 1,200 pages long. I blast through it but the thing is really heavy. I have to ask Jake to carry it up and down the stairs for me.



Speaking of stairs, because I walk with a cane and my balance isn't the greatest, I asked my dad if he could install a hand railing to help me get up and down the stairs in my apartment. It is so beautiful in person and nice and sturdy, which is perfect. It's immensely helpful to have something to hold onto, especially while going down the stairs. Jake still has to help me too, by orders of my physical therapist but there is no way I'd be able to get into my apartment without it.

I'm Going to Whack People with my Cane

I've graduated to a cane!! We found my cane at the Goodwill and it had some return address labels stuck all over it with the previous owner's name and address. I decided it needed a washi tape makeover. I love how it turned out, it looks like it belongs to a 26 year old, not a 70 year old. Walking with a cane is kind of weird. I get a lot of looks but I'm used to it, I got a lot of strange looks with the walker. I thought about wearing a sign around my neck that says, "I have brain lesions!" Not because I mind the staring, but to alleviate people's curiosity.

It was pretty much the best day when my PT said I can use my cane if I wanted. I still have my walker, it's really good for when I do something where I might end up tired because my walker has a seat on it. Not only that, I "graduated" from Occupational Therapy this week and my PT said I'll likely have one last appointment with her because I've progressed so quickly and have been doing so well that I can continue to do my exercises and stretches on my own. I also saw my local neurologist and he was really happy with my progress. He wants to keep an eye on me though so I go back in two weeks.

This week was a good week! I even finished reading a book and my eyes haven't been hurting the last two nights. Usually by the end of the day my eyes ache so badly and get really blurry. It's due to inflammation on my optic nerves, but I think it is getting better. I'll write all about the book later, it was good. Some stranger recommended it to my mom when she was at the library getting some books for me. I love when strangers do nice things.

Charleston Seafood Festival

My Aunt and Uncle came up to visit and see how I'm doing. It was so nice to see them. They brought us some chocolate zucchini bread and I can't wait to try it. I keep forgetting how far along the growing season is. When I was sick it felt like time was standing still, so I have trouble realizing that we're almost halfway through August and it's not the end of June anymore.

We had a family dinner at my mom's house Saturday night and it was so nice to visit and hang out with everyone. Earlier Saturday we went to the Seafood Festival where my step dad does the sound for the bands. I took my walker and walked all around in a big square to check out every single food booth. I'm all about the food at things like fairs and festivals. There were fried oysters, tuna kabobs, and clam chowder. I skipped all of that as I don't eat fish and instead I had a giant burrito from the Mexican food trailer. I really love burritos and had dearly missed them. I also picked up some cotton candy to take home to Jake. It was a fun little outing with family. The only thing that could've made it a little more pleasant is if it wasn't freezing cold and overcast. I need some sunshine in my life.

It Got Worse Before It Got Better.

I've been missing again. It's because I was back in Portland at the hospital. I'll give you the short-ish version. I was on a medicine that was making me very very sick. My doctor admitted me to the local hospital to take me off the med. Then the neurologist told me I needed to go back up to OHSU hospital in Portland (5 hours away). You can only get a bed if a doctor refers you and a doctor up there agrees you need to be admitted. So when they say you need to go, you don't argue, you get in your car or the ambulance and you go right then. When my mom and I got up there, they did more MRIs and found another lesion, a really big one, down my neck and a good portion of my spine. So if you're keeping track, that's a lesion on my cerebellum, lesions on my optic nerves, a small random lesion in my brain, and a ginormous lesion down my spine. I like to rack them up.

I also had some other developments that weren't so fun. In addition to my previous issues of being really weak from not being able to eat without vomiting, having problems with my balance, being dizzy, etc. all of the sudden, I couldn't feel my right leg anymore. That's not quite accurate. The sensation in my leg changed. When the doctor took a safety pin and pricked my right leg, I couldn't feel it. My leg just felt warm and tingly, from my toes to my hip. That was one of the scariest moments of my life. I'm 26 happy and healthy one moment, I get the flu and a few weeks later my leg feels like a log. What the heck? So the doctors have decided that I have post viral encephalomyelitis. At least that's what I think he said. Really they aren't sure what's wrong with me and that's one of three things he said but he thinks it's the most likely so we're going with that. With auto immune issues, it's hard to give a definitive answer.

So what is post viral encephalomyelitis? I don't know. From what it sounds like, I had the flu, when the flu virus left my body something else in my body decided to go all crazy and attack itself thinking it was helping attack the virus, giving me these lesions. Gee thanks body, I appreciate it. So I've been home for about a week. I have in home physical therapy which is so nice. My physical therapist is super nice and awesome and I've been doing my exercises like crazy. The best part, the sensation in my leg has changed again. It still doesn't feel like it should but it feels a lot lighter to me, which makes it easier to walk. It used to feel like a stump I was dragging around. So that's good. They told me it could take 6 months to a year to recover, if ever. I may still have problems with my legs, my eyes, my thinking, for the rest of my life, but let's hope not.

The other issue I was having was that my skin felt like it was itching all of the time. I felt like I needed to scratch my skin clean off. I didn't care if I had flesh hanging off, and I was scratching, so hard that I was breaking blood vessels. I didn't have a rash or anything and lotion did not help. Finally I had a doctor say that it was probably a nerve problem and he prescribed me some medicine that was developed to help with seizures but it never did, but the people with seizures realized it was helping their nerves. So now I take it 3 times a day to calm the nerves in my body, otherwise I have this obnoxious itching issue.

So that's what's been going on in my world. I've just been working hard exercising my legs, trying to get muscles to return. Last week I could barely walk with my walker. I'd get 5 feet and have to stop. Today my gait is almost normal. I can't even tell you how good it feels to make progress so let's hope it continues.

Scared to Death

Hello friends, it's been awhile and I miss my blogging buddies. If you read the last few posts you know I've been ill. Well, my regular doctor returned from vacation and squeezed me in. He decided to do an MRI just to be sure it really was a virus that settled in my inner ear but when my scan came back there were abnormalities. To be specific, there were lesions on my brain. I was immediately referred to Oregon Health and Sciences University Hospital in Portland. My mom was by my side the entire time and we drove the 4.5 hour drive immediately. I was scared to death but trying to be strong for the benefit of my loved ones.

Once there, they did another MRI, this time with contrast and found more lesions. The largest is about the size of a walnut still in its shell and it's right in the area that controls balance, which is why I've been having such a difficult time walking and with not being able to keep my food down. I'm sharing the abbreviated version today but they also did a spinal tap to check the fluid around my brain. At first it looked like an infection so they put me on a ton of IV antibiotics which really harmed my body. When further tests indicated it wasn't an infection they took me off the antibiotics. In the meantime they started throwing out scary ideas of what it could be, tumor, cancer, multiple sclerosis. I have never been so terrified in my life and I'm crying writing this right now. My grandma passed due to complications of MS and watching my mom's face when they said that was an option was so heartbreaking. They eventually mostly ruled that out along with a lot of other really scary things. In the end, after doing a second MRI and a second spinal tap they still didn't have any conclusive results. Their best guess is that it's some kind of virus and I just have to wait it out. It's incredibly frustrating.

There was a week in there where I couldn't eat without it immediately coming back up so I lost a lot of weight which is really bad because of how small I was to begin with. Now my legs have atrophied and I can barely walk. I have a walker but even going from the living room to the kitchen wipes me out. I've learned a lot during this ordeal though. I was trying so hard to hold in my fear and anxiety because I didn't want to worry my family even more than they already were. I have an incredibly close family and they all checked in everyday. What I realize now is that it's okay to be scared to death and it's okay to tell your family, they will be there to support you and to go through it with you, my friends did an awesome job of making me feel loved, it's okay to let others be strong for you when you can't be strong for yourself anymore. I've always been independent and now I have to rely on others for basic necessities.

The doctors are saying if it is a virus like they think, there is no medicine for viruses, you just wait them out. They're treating my symptoms as well as they can. But now I'm so weak I have to have someone help me in and out of the bathtub. It makes me feel so pathetic but I am so grateful for their help. If I didn't have them, I have no doubt I'd injure myself badly. It's just hard to put aside my pride and accept the help. Especially knowing it could be months before I'm well. Although it wasn't quite a near death experience, it could've been if my doctor hadn't returned from vacation, I was slowly wasting away. Because of this experience I want everyone in my life to know just exactly how much I love and appreciate them and that includes all of you who left sweet comments, they really meant a lot to me. It's going to be a long time before I recover so I don't know about anyone's religious beliefs but if you would send you prayers, good thoughts, happy vibes, or whatever it is you feel comfortable with, I could still really use them. Thanks so much!

The Third Doctor Knows What's Up.

We went to a third doctor today, because I needed to. The first doctor was nice but not incredibly thorough, the second doctor was kind of a dbag, and the third doctor ended up being Asian, which was a good sign. As my family is Asian, we tend to put more stock in what Asian doctors say, you know, because of all of the stereotypes of Asian people being smart and hardworking, for the most part, in my experience, those rumors and stereotypes are true. So I was excited when today's doctor happened to be Asian.

Yesterday was by far the worse day of my sickness. I puked up EVERYTHING I ate. I puked up my anti-nausea meds, I puked up water just as soon as I drank it, I even puked up a tiny piece of bread I had tried wrapping my meds in and the 3 whole fries I ate from Jake's chicken nugget meal from Wendy's. It was awful. This morning was the same thing, I even managed to throw up on my feet. Talk about miserable.

I told all of this to the new doctor, including how all of the skin inside my mouth is peeling off, I get dizzy if I even move my head from side to side let alone stand up and I looked right at him with tears in my eyes and said, "Please, help me." He thinks I have a viral infection of the inner ear. That I did originally start out with the flu, but that the virus migrated and settled in my inner ear which gives me vertigo which leads to all of the puking. He prescribed me a few things. One is an anti-vertigo patch I wear behind my ear to not get motion sick, the other is a rapidly dissolving anti-nausea pill that melts on my tongue in a matter of seconds so I don't have to swallow it and puke it back up before it can even have any effect. So far all I've tried eating are popsicles, saltines and water but since none of it has come back up, we're in business. Tomorrow I might get wild and try for some macaroni salad. Who knows?! My regular doctor who has been gone this entire time is supposed to be back in the office Monday and I'm to go in and check in with him as well, as per Asian Dr.'s instructions.

The only bad thing is that there is no antibiotic or anything to get rid of the virus. I just have to wait it out, which will be a lot easier with some food in my belly. Thanks for all your well wishes guys!

Life is Being Ridiculous.

We try to avoid the 4th of July in our house as fireworks are one of the biggest triggers for Jake's PTSD. Last year in Idaho they shot them off right across from our house which made them ridiculously loud but at least I got to watch a few out the window. This year, since I'm still sick, I just laid on the couch and listened to them. Jake wore headphones with the music cranked way up and played video games, like every 4th. My mom is making some kind of either macaroni or potato salad tonight so at least we won't miss out on the best part of the 4th of July - the food.

I have a strained relationship with the 4th of July. On one hand, it's supposed to be a celebration of our freedom and the fact that freedom meant so much to us that we were willing to fight for it. On the other hand, there are thousands of people out there like Jake, who were in the military and did follow orders into war for this country, who view the 4th of July as the worst day of the year because it reduces them to hysterics. Jake says it gets worse for him every year and this year he felt like digging a foxhole and jumping into it. It doesn't help that people shoot fireworks well before and after the actual 4th. He's basically a prisoner in the house for weeks because if he's outside and hears fireworks, he drops to the ground in a panic, thinking he's being attacked.

As mentioned above, I am still ill. My head feels a little clearer everyday but my stomach is still in a lot of pain and I still feel weak and exhausted. On facebook I likened myself to Frodo Baggins in Return of the King. I'm wimpy, pathetic, and can barely walk on my own. It's ridiculous. My doctor is out of the country so I went and saw a very nice but not very thorough doctor on call who never called me back with test results. Then my mom took me to the ER because 10 days with a temperature and not eating is really bad. After insinuating I was on drugs and then taking my blood and finding that I'm not, they decided I probably just have a virus and have to wait it out. They also told me to check back with my regular doctor because I might have peptic ulcers. They told me to get Prilosec and to eat anything I can manage, even if it's pizza and soda for every meal because I need to stop losing weight. All I've managed to eat the past couple of days was a cucumber, half a baked potato, half a cup of veggie broth, some saltines and water. I'm so frustrated with being sick. I want to be back to my old self.