Scared to Death

Hello friends, it's been awhile and I miss my blogging buddies. If you read the last few posts you know I've been ill. Well, my regular doctor returned from vacation and squeezed me in. He decided to do an MRI just to be sure it really was a virus that settled in my inner ear but when my scan came back there were abnormalities. To be specific, there were lesions on my brain. I was immediately referred to Oregon Health and Sciences University Hospital in Portland. My mom was by my side the entire time and we drove the 4.5 hour drive immediately. I was scared to death but trying to be strong for the benefit of my loved ones.

Once there, they did another MRI, this time with contrast and found more lesions. The largest is about the size of a walnut still in its shell and it's right in the area that controls balance, which is why I've been having such a difficult time walking and with not being able to keep my food down. I'm sharing the abbreviated version today but they also did a spinal tap to check the fluid around my brain. At first it looked like an infection so they put me on a ton of IV antibiotics which really harmed my body. When further tests indicated it wasn't an infection they took me off the antibiotics. In the meantime they started throwing out scary ideas of what it could be, tumor, cancer, multiple sclerosis. I have never been so terrified in my life and I'm crying writing this right now. My grandma passed due to complications of MS and watching my mom's face when they said that was an option was so heartbreaking. They eventually mostly ruled that out along with a lot of other really scary things. In the end, after doing a second MRI and a second spinal tap they still didn't have any conclusive results. Their best guess is that it's some kind of virus and I just have to wait it out. It's incredibly frustrating.

There was a week in there where I couldn't eat without it immediately coming back up so I lost a lot of weight which is really bad because of how small I was to begin with. Now my legs have atrophied and I can barely walk. I have a walker but even going from the living room to the kitchen wipes me out. I've learned a lot during this ordeal though. I was trying so hard to hold in my fear and anxiety because I didn't want to worry my family even more than they already were. I have an incredibly close family and they all checked in everyday. What I realize now is that it's okay to be scared to death and it's okay to tell your family, they will be there to support you and to go through it with you, my friends did an awesome job of making me feel loved, it's okay to let others be strong for you when you can't be strong for yourself anymore. I've always been independent and now I have to rely on others for basic necessities.

The doctors are saying if it is a virus like they think, there is no medicine for viruses, you just wait them out. They're treating my symptoms as well as they can. But now I'm so weak I have to have someone help me in and out of the bathtub. It makes me feel so pathetic but I am so grateful for their help. If I didn't have them, I have no doubt I'd injure myself badly. It's just hard to put aside my pride and accept the help. Especially knowing it could be months before I'm well. Although it wasn't quite a near death experience, it could've been if my doctor hadn't returned from vacation, I was slowly wasting away. Because of this experience I want everyone in my life to know just exactly how much I love and appreciate them and that includes all of you who left sweet comments, they really meant a lot to me. It's going to be a long time before I recover so I don't know about anyone's religious beliefs but if you would send you prayers, good thoughts, happy vibes, or whatever it is you feel comfortable with, I could still really use them. Thanks so much!