Diagnosis: Multiple Sclerosis

video from World MS Day 2009

Some days are hard, others are almost normal. Since I became ill last year I have wrestled with so many ideas and emotions. The doctors were optimistic that I would slowly improve and see the end of my neurological troubles. I tried to believe them because of the hope they offered but I was never quite able to. I was thrilled when I moved from walker to cane to walking unaided but I knew in my heart that I hadn't heard the last of my illness. Unfortunately, I was right. Although I am one of those insufferable people who love being right, it was the emptiest of feelings.

In May I got sick again, I had a second attack. At first I tried to give other explanations for my symptoms, perhaps allergies or some sort of sinus issue, but as my eyes began to hurt so much that it was better to just keep them closed and my body ached to where I couldn't get out of bed for 3 or 4 hours in the morning because I just couldn't manage to sit up, I knew it was time to see my neurologist. On the day of my appointment for a new MRI the tremors began in my right hand. It was so demoralizing. I had worked so hard to be healthy and had thought I was succeeding and all of the sudden I couldn't write my name without my hand shaking so badly that I looked like a drug addict. My neurologist diagnosed Multiple Sclerosis but wanted me to get a second opinion from a specialist to be certain. After my original attack of symptoms last year and all of the confusion in trying to find the culprit, it was important to everyone that we get it right.

My mom and I drove the 2 hours to the specialist who is highly regarded in our state (someone actually called him an MS guru) for my second opinion. The appointment went well until the disc containing all of my MRI images from the past year wouldn't open. I went home without an opinion and I've spent the past 6 weeks keeping my original diagnosis between myself, family, and a few close friends. I got confirmation that it is, in fact, MS a couple days ago and I've tried to write this post numerous times since then. There is so much I've been wanting to say for so long but was waiting until I was well, it looks as though I should stop waiting for that.

I am in no way happy I have MS but since I have been sick and will continue to be to varying degrees for the rest of my life, I am thankful that what I do have is something well known. There is a lot of research going into MS. I have medication options to help with not only the symptoms but extending the time between attacks. The life expectancy and quality of life is much different than it was 28 years ago when my grandma passed from this disease. The outlook for my life is so much brighter. I am strong and I will be okay.

I've had a lot of time to thoroughly examine many of my thoughts on life and what I want out of it. I'll post more about that and my treatment plan in the future but right now I just wanted to get this out there. I've felt so stifled these past weeks as I kept this news to myself, waiting and wondering, not wanting to say anything until I knew for sure. Having a diagnosis has released me from this burden and given me such peace of mind. Learning of my MS has been surprisingly liberating. Who'd have thought?