Today is my 27th birthday. I've decided to treat today like it is the beginning of a new year, a new era. The 26th year of my life was the most difficult year I've experienced thus far. I spent 11 months of it being ill. I can't remember a single time from 26 where I was happy. Sure, there were glimmers and brief moments of happiness but even those were weighed down with huge amounts of stress, illness, and fear.
My 26th year was full of being afraid I was going to die, that I wasn't going to ever improve, that I would never find myself again, that I'd always be an empty shell of my former self. 26 was terrifying and lonely. It wasn't lonely because I didn't have people who loved me around but lonely because I had to say goodbye to the person that I had been. 26 was the year I had to let go of myself, of everything I was, because it didn't exist anymore. I had lost my identity to my illness.
For my 27th year I hope to find myself. I hope to water what roots of the old me that I have left and to mourn the pieces I won't ever get back. I hope to grow new branches of who I am. I hope to encourage happiness in my life and in my heart. I will get that back and I will let go of the fear I've lived in. 27 will be better, I get to start over.
So please, instead of wishing me a happy birthday, could you just wish me a happy new year, and I will do the same for you.
Oh man, I'm sorry this year sucked so bad.
ReplyDeleteDo you have any concrete New Year's goals? I find it helps to start with things that are small and clear (i.e., find the best chocolate cake recipe, go camping three times, etc.)
Happy New Year Jordan may it be blessed with new beginnings and the happiness you deserve :). <3 Whitney
ReplyDeleteHappy and blessed year ahead, Jordan. The worst is hopefully over! By wanting your life to be better from now, it will truly begin to be! Each day is a blessing, enjoy every moment with your loved ones, and doing things you love!
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ReplyDeleteyou should publish more on this subject, it might not be a taboo matter but generally folks don't talk about these subjects. To the next! Best wishes!!
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Happy New Year!! I am so sorry that you had to experience so much illness in the past year. I have no doubt you will be stronger than before and live a much fuller life going forward. Many blessings to you!!
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